The answer to a sustainable sex life in long term relationships

I work a lot with sexual issues in my practice, both with individuals and with couples. The one thing that repeatedly enters the room is people's preconceptions on how to have a healthy and regular sex life, especially when one seems less interested in it than the other. The expectation that first comes desire, then comes arousal, and sex follows from this is an illusion; this only happens in the early-dopamine-filled days of a relationship. In long-term happy and sustainable sexual partnerships, people's desire can be thwarted by all sorts; from chronic stress, disrupted sleep, ambient resentment in the relationship, body-image issues, general anxiety, parenting, etc. The desire is still there, but dormant, and the arousal is hard to reach the surface. If we live a disembodied-anxiety-filled life, it is hard even to know we are aroused. This is another arena where embodied presence makes all the difference. Interoception, one of the three tenets of embodiment, which is to know what you are experiencing inside, is a gateway to tuning into our arousal and turning it into desire. Engaging with our inner experience can help connect us to our pleasure, not only sexual, but to feel deeply, to be alive. Our sexual self needs this experience of aliveness, which we can cultivate in all areas of life, from a walk in the park, breathing in the air and smelling the smells, hearing the birdsong, to feeling the sensations when we exercise, to knowing what good feels like and what it doesn't. Responsive desire is not a lesser desire; it is knowing we are open to experience and engaging with ourselves and the other in a way that promotes rather than subverts sexuality. 

#sexpositivity #responsivedesire #embodiment #interoception #sextherapy