Conflict in couple relationships

Managing conflict in intimate relationships

Conflict is a prime reason bringing couples to therapy, the way that conflict is managed and contained or not within the couple relationship; conflict in our lives has a growthful and a destructive potential. When it is contained and worked through satisfactorily, it can lead to growth; when the defence and resistance pull people apart, it is destructive. In our couple relationships we bring the model of relationship that we unconsciously carry around from our history and parental relationships including how children have been included in the couple relationship. The therapist also carries his/her own model which is evoked in the work. Partners carry their own wounds from early life, the 'primary agony' as to whether you will be a 'child with no one to catch you', which produces defence and rigidity. We come to this relationship with the hope and fear that this time around, there will be a better ending, but fearing repeating the same experience. The defense was once created unconsciously, even non-verbally, and was needed for survival, but now it no longer serves and can lead to the feared 'catastrophe'. The therapist's ability to sit with the conflict and make meaning of it, depends on her own developmental growth and resolution, too. Ultimately, the goal of each conflict is to lead to deeper connection and intimacy and to balance that with a strong 'I', autonomy, which is the crisis and growth potential of all relationships. Fears of being 'swallowed-up' and fears of being 'abandoned' are evoked. If conflict is avoided and not regulated, the boundaries, the 'gate', remain either hermetically shut or permanently open. We are looking to support the couple in 'oiling the gate', helping them maintain control of their own boundaries and defences so they can find their 'good enough' container and resume their psychological growth within the relationship without compromising their integrity. There lies ambivalence. This is the work in relationship therapy, and it is demanding of all parties, including the therapist, and the outcome is not guaranteed; it is down to commitment to self-enquiry and compassion for the self and other, willingness to take a risk, a leap of faith, and stay with the discomfort, understand the self and own the projections. #relationshiptherapy #couplestherapy #couplerelationship #coupleconflict #relationshipconflict #psychodynamictherapy